Saturday, November 12, 2011

un bebé por favor

I'm the eldest in a large family where the kids are pretty spaced out (time wise, not mentally - well, sometimes mentally) and I dearly love all of my siblings.  Being part of this large brood also helped me realize that I don't want the same set up for myself which is why, at the tender age of 39, I am pregnant with my first and (as the plan currently stands) only child. 

I was 16 and 18 when two of my younger siblings were born and that right there is a learning experience for all teens who think having a baby will be "someone cuddly who loves me."  I saw firsthand how much WORK these little people are.  Yes, they were VERY cute and lovable.  And also a boatload of work.  I crossed my legs then and there and said "No, thank you very much" ... until now.

J. is an only child and, before I met him, I had a (mistaken) belief that all only children are spoiled ('cause I'm judgey like that).  He is so far from being spoiled; he is, however, intelligent, healthy and stable, and has a solid sense of self - who he is and what he believes.  That.  I want that for our boy.  I want him to be happy and intelligent and sure of who he is and his place and belonging in this world.  

Friday, November 11, 2011


This Penn State mess has made me feel physically ill.  I'm not sure why this particular child abuse situation has been so upsetting to me.  I've certainly had my own personal experiences with a monster (The Asshole) which still gifts me with the occasional nightmare and I have worked as a counselor with children and families who have had terrible experiences.  I think what bothers me most about this situation is that opportunities existed for people to step in, to stop the abuse, and nobody did anything.   

How could you not do something? 

How could anyone be complicit in the abuse of a child? 

It is bad enough in those situations when the abuse is going on and nobody knows or the signs are so vague (until, in hindsight, they are screamingly clear).  To have the abuse happen in front of your face and not do something...if someone was on fire in front of you and you weren't the one who lit the fire, would you merely yell "Fire!" and then shrug and walk away, telling yourself, "Well, I didn't start the fire and I told someone"?

It just breaks my heart.  I've read two very good posts about this - and - and have been relieved and reassured that others feel like I do.  This nonsense I see on the news about these idiot college students protesting the firing of their beloved football coach ... like football matters more than a child ... a human being.  So misguided.

J. and I have been talking about this for the last several days and when he first explained to me what it was all about (because I hear "football" on the news and automatically tune out - I mean, really, who gives a fuck?), my first response was that it didn't matter that the coach had done what was "legally required" - as a human being you have an ethical requirement to look out for others who are being harmed, especially and above all, children.  Children are innocent and vulnerable and if we, as adults, won't look out for them, who will?

Our son is due in March and I don't know how I'm ever going to leave him alone with someone, other than my husband, until he 25.  SohelpmeGod, if anyone were to ever hurt my child, I don't know how I could let that person live.

I have a pretty good sense of distrust of other people - in part because of being hurt by others and in part because I think I was born with a cautious and suspicious nature that provides me with some kind of radar about creeps.  These antennae have always been present, even before I was ever exposed to the horrible things people can do to each other.  I think it is just part of my make-up.  That may be part of the reason that my social/personal circle is so small.  I don't trust easily and I don't tolerate jerks, sickos, or stupid people.

I hate that the Penn State lesson has come at the sacrifice of children and hope that this lesson does not go unlearned.  We must ALL be responsible for doing something. 

Saturday, October 29, 2011

lightening up

Things have gotten somewhat lighter, brighter.  I don't know what has shifted but am grateful to not being feeling like complete and utter shit, physically and emotionally.  My nausea has begun to wane somewhat though I'm still skeeved by certain textures.  My mood has improved too and I'm not feeling so angry and so blue.  I'm still anxious as hell and average one meltdown per week, but it is a huge improvement.

I attended a work-related conference Wednesday that I went to because I had to and it was a good excuse to get out of the office, and ended up walking away with some inspiration that is meaningful to me personally.  During one particular session, the focus was on our own personal gifts and skills and abilities and the importance of being in a job/finding work that values these - for me, at this point, it is an absolute necessity that I find something that values my gifts, skills and abilities.  For seven years I have been trying to make myself fit in a place that is sooooo not the right environment for me.  It, and the people in it, does not value who or what I am or what I contribute, which has resulted in me feeling so badly about myself.  My self-esteem is in the shitter from being in this horrible environment which has made me feel like "Maybe I'm not as competent, efficient, smart as I thought I was, since none of these jokers seems to appreciate or value anything about me."  Something crystallized for me Wednesday and I started to think..."What if it's them and not me?  What if that place is not a good fit for ME?"

I am waiting to hear back from an interview I had earlier in the month and while it is not my dream job - because I don't know what that is - it would be a million times better than where I am now.  I have another interview Friday.  My goal is to no longer be working for my current employer by the end of 2011.  I am writing and re-writing my letter of resignation in my head on a daily basis - it goes something like this:  "Fuuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."  Short, sweet, and to the point.

Yesterday we had our 20-week ultrasound and the boy looks great!  They looked at all of his parts but to be honest, to the untrained eye many parts just looked blobby so I'll take their word for it that the blobs are what they're supposed to be.  Our house is a total disaster - messy, dirty, in need of all kinds of updates - and I get really anxious when I think about it too much.  We are hoping to have the money to put in new flooring in the two bedrooms at Christmas, and then do the living room sometime before March.  The whole house, all 860 sf, needs to be painted on the inside and it needs to be scrubbed top to bottom.  I haven't the energy nor interest to take on any of these tasks.  J. promises it will all get done so I need to chill the fuck out and let him take care of it.  I do want it to be somewhat more livable though before baby E gets here.        


Monday, October 17, 2011

Haven't fallen off the face of the earth...

...not yet anyway.

My goodness, it has been a rough ride these past few weeks, months.  This girl neeeeeeds her anti-depressant.  I've been off of it for several months now because of the baybee and trying to do what is best for him, but I'm not sure if I'm doing him any favors with my internal self roiling and tempesting. 

Dear little boy, I so hope I am not making you crazy in there.  I hope you have your dad's sweet, gentle, good nature and can just ignore your mom's...quirks.

I do believe I will be talking to my OB at my next appointment though about prescribing something, anything, so that I am not such a beast.   

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Whining and pissing and moaning

Yup, pretty much all three all the time...I am a joy to live with these days.  My husband is a saint.  Or he is heavily medicated.  Either way, I'm very lucky.

I am seven weeks pregnant and am utterly overjoyed by and with this little person I am growing.  I don't want to lose sight of that.  I am GROWING A PERSON.  Hear me roar.  What a powerful thing to be doing.  These days when I am annoyed by some numbnut at work, I think to myself "Are you growing a person?  I think not.  So back the fuck up."  It helps tremendously. 

I've had two ultrasounds - one at four weeks and one at six weeks.  The one at four weeks didn't show anything but at six weeks, lo and behold, there was a little blob and an egg sac (am I having a chicken??) and a heartbeat.  A HEART. BEAT.  And I got to hear it.  That's a real little person in there!  Without a doubt one of the coolest sounds I have ever heard.

The nurse practitioner, Nan, has been wonderful.  I have seen her twice and she has been gentle and attentive and didn't laugh at my questions last week which were ...
  • can I eat deli turkey?
  • can I eat tuna?
  • can I eat bleu cheese?
  • can I color my hair?
  • can I go to the dentist for a cleaning?
At least I had one question that was serious and didn't make me sound utterly vain and selfish.

And now for a few minutes of whining:
  • I'm tired alllll the time
  • I've had "low grade" nausea for about a week now, all day every day
  • my hands and feet started swelling this week
  • my bras can barely contain me anymore
  • I have to pee all the time but mostly AT NIGHT WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP (5 fricking times last night!)
  • I'm cranky and teary and I miss my Effexor!!!
I know know know this is all worth it and it is all going to be okay.  Exercise would help and I really want to start walking and taking yoga.  I also want to add in some acupuncture because I think that could help with some of my emotional struggling.

Deeeeep breath.  That's better.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Tuesday, July 26, 2012

Just received this bit of brilliance in my email from a pregnancy website (to be filed under no fucking shit):

Congratulations, you're pregnant!  You may be starting to feel bloated, crampy, tired and moody, and experiencing sore breasts, nausea/vomiting and a frequent need to pee. 

bloated - check
crampy - check
tired & moody - ohmygodyes
sore breasts, nausea, and a frequent need to pee - uh YEAH

Also...weaning off my anti-depressant...let's get this party started!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Friday, July 22, 2011

So when I'm not at work I've basically been sleeping for the last eight days.  Sooooo sleeeeeeeepy.  I understand this is common because apparently my body is in the process of doing something EXTRAORDINARY and it is exhausting.  By 3:00 each afternoon I'm done, cooked, finis.  I then drag myself home, maybe boil water for pasta (and maybe not), eat dinner, and crash on the couch by 8PM.  I've been sleeping really hard and having some odd and vivid dreams.  I'm also weaning off the Effexor so who knows what is going on in this little brain of mind.

I have my first appointment with the OB/GYN today, actually their nurse practitioner, and am having an ultrasound.  It is very early but it will help them get a sense of how far along I am.  I'm very much looking forward to seeing whatever it is I'll be able to see!  I'm sure it is gorgeous.