Saturday, October 29, 2011

lightening up

Things have gotten somewhat lighter, brighter.  I don't know what has shifted but am grateful to not being feeling like complete and utter shit, physically and emotionally.  My nausea has begun to wane somewhat though I'm still skeeved by certain textures.  My mood has improved too and I'm not feeling so angry and so blue.  I'm still anxious as hell and average one meltdown per week, but it is a huge improvement.

I attended a work-related conference Wednesday that I went to because I had to and it was a good excuse to get out of the office, and ended up walking away with some inspiration that is meaningful to me personally.  During one particular session, the focus was on our own personal gifts and skills and abilities and the importance of being in a job/finding work that values these - for me, at this point, it is an absolute necessity that I find something that values my gifts, skills and abilities.  For seven years I have been trying to make myself fit in a place that is sooooo not the right environment for me.  It, and the people in it, does not value who or what I am or what I contribute, which has resulted in me feeling so badly about myself.  My self-esteem is in the shitter from being in this horrible environment which has made me feel like "Maybe I'm not as competent, efficient, smart as I thought I was, since none of these jokers seems to appreciate or value anything about me."  Something crystallized for me Wednesday and I started to think..."What if it's them and not me?  What if that place is not a good fit for ME?"

I am waiting to hear back from an interview I had earlier in the month and while it is not my dream job - because I don't know what that is - it would be a million times better than where I am now.  I have another interview Friday.  My goal is to no longer be working for my current employer by the end of 2011.  I am writing and re-writing my letter of resignation in my head on a daily basis - it goes something like this:  "Fuuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."  Short, sweet, and to the point.

Yesterday we had our 20-week ultrasound and the boy looks great!  They looked at all of his parts but to be honest, to the untrained eye many parts just looked blobby so I'll take their word for it that the blobs are what they're supposed to be.  Our house is a total disaster - messy, dirty, in need of all kinds of updates - and I get really anxious when I think about it too much.  We are hoping to have the money to put in new flooring in the two bedrooms at Christmas, and then do the living room sometime before March.  The whole house, all 860 sf, needs to be painted on the inside and it needs to be scrubbed top to bottom.  I haven't the energy nor interest to take on any of these tasks.  J. promises it will all get done so I need to chill the fuck out and let him take care of it.  I do want it to be somewhat more livable though before baby E gets here.        


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