My mom and I basically tried to do an "intervention" with my sister last night and today. She, my sister, is in college and is making some pretty screwy choices in her life right now. I've been conflicted about how to address this with her and, because I'm so much older than her (18 years), our relationship is not straightforward. I'm NOT her mother but I'm not just her "big sister" either. She has been avoiding my mom and me for about six months and has been less than forthcoming about what is going on in her life.
a) She's a good girl, a smart girl, a loving person.
b) She may or may not be trying to come to terms with her sexuality as she may or may not be a lesbian.
c) She may or may not have been abused, sexually, by her father - all signs are pointing to yes though she denies it.
d) She was removed from my mom's care for six months and placed in foster care when she was 12 because while (c) is uncertain, he was definitely abusing other kids in the house. (The nightmare of her being removed is so painful to this day that I can barely stand to think about it. It nearly causes me physical pain in my chest.)
e) She works in a crappy fast food job to put herself through college, gives her money away to those around her, and has chosen to surround herself with people that don't challenge her in any way, possibly in an attempt to feel better about herself...? I don't know. (I think she feels like my mom and I are being snobs about her friends and in some ways I guess we are but these are not the people I would have chosen for her to be friends with.)
f) She was in a (fairly minor) car accident two days ago when the friend who was driving had a seizure backing out of a parking lot because she hadn't been taking her medication.
g) She is always broke and has two roommates who also work at crappy dead-end jobs and are also broke.
h) She has a whopping case of depression - no shit - and a healthy dose of anxiety as well.
i) I love her so much it makes my heart hurt.
j) I know her heart hurts too and I can't fix it for her and I can't take away her pain though I would in a second.
I read her email. She and one of her roommates were at my house Sunday doing laundry and she used to my computer and left her email account logged in. There wasn't a whole lot there but enough to learn that she had not been truthful about renting the apartment she is living in now with two roommates (according to the email she has been paying rent since February though she also is paying rent on a place, with a different roommate, that is close to school). She also bought? helped to buy? researched buying? a car for a friend. She doesn't have a driver's license so the car was not for her.
So, I basically tricked her yesterday and agreed to pick her up at work and take her to the pharmacy to get pain medication that was prescribed following the accident. Unbeknownst to her, our mom was en route to my house (she lives across the state, about seven hours away). I brought her back to my house so I could keep any eye on her on the medication and because I live 25 mins from anywhere, she couldn't "escape." I told her about the emails I read, I asked her questions, we talked for awhile, I didn't tell her our mom was coming.
My mom's plan was to try to convince her to go stay with my mom for a couple of weeks, she could work while there, and try to sort things out and make a plan for herself.
She didn't go for this AT. ALL.
She was angry, I'm sure she felt tricked and deceived, she told us that we want her to be perfect and we should let her fuck up. We assured her that she is decidedly fucking up.
I hope we did the right thing - or a right thing. I hope she heard our expressions of love and concern for her. I hope ... I hope she will be okay. It was so hard.