Thank goodness. February has kicked my a.ss. I have been fraught with worry, weepies, stress, more worry...just an emotionally labile mess. I avoided this space because I didn't feel up to posting and didn't feel like I had a handle on what has been causing such distress.
For starters I had to write a very difficult letter about a most hated and miserable experience in my life (and in my family's life) that took place in the early 2000's. Every time I delve deeply into this issue it shakes me to my center and takes a little while to stabilize the emotional tremors. I hope to be able to write about this some day on here but I'm not ready yet. Time to go back to my therapist for another session of EMDR.
J. began working again part-time at his former job and can continue until the grant funding runs out - which could be any time. He interviewed Wednesday for a solid-sounding job that was by no means his dream job, but is at least in the field in which he obtained his MA, and is a full-time salaried position that would start him on his way toward bigger and better things. I have been the main breadwinner for years now and am okay with this, but we definitely need his work to provide more consistent remuneration. (Then I can tell my job to eff themselves!! No, not really. But one day...)
I spent the weekend a couple of weeks ago with a friend in the city where we lived before we moved here 5 1/2 years ago. It was a good visit but didn't provide the usual "fill me up" feeling that I have gotten in the past from being able to spend some good time with a dear friend. I'm not sure why that is. I saw another friend briefly while I was there. Both women are SAHM and, assuming I'm able to have a child as the senior citizen I am (in child-bearing years), we likely won't have the financial resources for me to stay home - which may be a good thing - but it also makes me feel guilty (PREMATURELY no less!). Truthfully, J. would be a much better SAHD than I would be a SAHM. He is consistent and calm and stays on a pretty even keel. Me? Not consistent, not calm, not an even keel.
All that aside, I feel a distance of sorts between myself as a non-parent and women who are parents. It's like I am on one side of a giant chasm and we all start out on the same side and then some cross over and become mothers. Those who become mothers remember what it was like to be on my side but I will never know what it it like to be on their side unless/until I am a mother. I was reading a blog yesterday (Diana, I'm talking about you) where she wrote about this issue and something she had read that (I'm paraphrasing here) she might not fully be a woman unless she has given birth. I feel like that sometimes - like I am less of a woman because I am not a mother and what, ultimately, will be my most valuable contribution to this world if it is not a child? Is there anything that can possibly match this?