Saturday, January 30, 2010

trust

We were audited this week by our state department of revenue for our 2006 tax return. We owned a business for a couple of years and then closed it at the end of 2006 and sold most of the inventory, at a big financial loss because, when all was said and done, we were netting a whopping $6,000 a year. I was working full-time and this was my husband's full-time job, but we needed two incomes and $6,000 just wasn't cutting it. In any case, times are tough right now (oh really? thanks for the heads-up, EWINTB, hadn't noticed) and so perhaps this tax return was scrutinized more thoroughly because of the claim of a large loss and to ensure that we were not hiding money from the state. Whatever the reason, I was losing my s.hit earlier this week in preparation for our meeting Wednesday. I also lost it about two weeks ago and was rolling around dramatically on the bed moaning about curses and karma. J. tried to intervene before I started with this nonsense but, oh no, I was already there. I did recognize that a "blessing" of sorts of J. being unemployed was his ability to spend the last two weeks organizing our records which, had he been working, we would have had to do in the evenings and on weekends, thereby increasing my panic ten-fold. So, as my mom likes to say, what goes wrong goes right.

We were as prepared as we could be on Wednesday and arrived early for our 2PM appointment. The auditor could NOT have been nicer. He asked us two questions, looked at our federal tax return, stated, "Oh yeah, you guys were really losing money", told us the case was closed, and we were out of there at 2:10.

RELIEF. Tears streaming down my face. J.'s dad had met us there and waited in the parking lot for moral support.

J. and I both knew we had not done anything wrong and still, I was so fearful, what if we were found "guilty" even though we were not? I work in government (state/local) and I sure as heck do not trust it. It is comprised of human beings - flawed, imperfect people (like myself), some of whom are very competent, intelligent, and logical while others? Well, not so much.

I have trust issues in my personal life and have a hard time trusting others. I make some people, like J., prove their love for me over and over, testing him to see if he really loves me or if there will come a point where I have finally stepped over the line and he says "That's IT. I'm done." It hasn't come yet (11+ years together) and I don't think it will, but I still test him occasionally. I've done it with friends, too, though with friends it has been more about trying to "hide" some of my crazy because if they find out who I really am...so long, psycho! A friend of mine said to me, years ago, that if I think I'm hiding something I'm not, she knows all about the crazy and she loves me anyway. That was a nice thing to hear. So why do I feel like I need to hear it 1000 more times?

3 comments:

  1. 3 little thoughts for you.
    1. I am so happy that the audit turned out as it did...I am so sorry about the anxious anticipation that you must have experienced, I cant even imagime. A huge fear of mine. The process is so intimidating not to mention the trust factor. But Yea!! for you it is over and turned out well.
    2. thank you soo much for commenting on my blog..I too am in incognito mode, that and guilt I think contribute to with-holding. however I truly appreciate the value of putting things out there, I believe i shall attempt to make a more concious effort.
    3.
    I find you quite eloquent with your words. please keep it up.

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  2. Sorry. me again. As i checked in on your blog today the title reminded me of a song I was listening to earlier..."Exactly" by Amy Steinberg, just thought you might appreciate it. Be well.

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  3. Congratulations on the outcome of your audit. I think that word strikes fear into most people - I would have been in full on panic as well. Yet another reason that I would make a really lousy criminal.

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